Keeping the faith, marching on and knowing what is really important...........

November 23, 2011

Because I have a "Thankful" blog all ready in my head for tomorrow, November 24, I am going to use today's blog for what I would normally be thinking about on November 24, and try to remember the spirit of tomorrow's day (not date.)

Three years ago on November 24 my world was turned upside down and shaken - much like I felt on May 1, 2011 when Allison was diagnosed, but this was something I could not find a way to control. My mother suddenly passed away. We had no warning and she was feeling fine, she just did not wake up on November 24. There is a solace with a loved one passing in their sleep - I think we all hope that our passing into heaven will be that peaceful, however three years ago solace was something I was not able to find in my world, much like this past May.

I bring this up, even though it has been three years, because on May 1, 2011 the one person besides my husband I wanted most next to me was my mommy. I am a grown, well adjusted, highly educated, self sustained woman in my mid-thirties and I wanted my mommy. Much like Allison wanted hers, I wanted mine - to be there to comfort me, to hold my hand and tell me everything was going to be fine, to give me a hug, to help me understand, to pray with me. She was a nurse by practice so that just added to my need for her that week in my mind. Why did God wait until she was gone from my life to have this event occur in our lives? Her wisdom, kindness and skills would have probably made my life so much easier at that moment, but He has a plan.

I start to think about both of my parents this time of year - I lost my father when I was 18 - that was 18 years ago - a whole other lifetime for me has passed since I have had him in my life. The three years without my mom seem like a drop in the hat in comparison. Being only 18 when my dad passed I still hadn't become anything to anyone, including myself and still had to grow to truly miss him, my mom's passing as an adult, was at the time, the most dreadful thing for me to experience.

My mom grew up in southern Missouri and lived her entire life there, until one day I told her I was having my first child and we were discussing childcare options - she mentioned her retirement was coming up at the same time as the expected birth - what a great coincidence. So we offered to have her move in with us and she picked up and moved to the East Coast and started her whole life over with us - how perfect and wonderful for us - and great new experience for her. So when she passed not only did we lose our mother we lost our rock and security in our home.

All of the sudden we had to figure out a whole new life for ourselves, we had to figure out childcare the hard way - the way the rest of the world did it. After juggling missing work for me, and missing work for Chris and Chris' parents coming to help when they could we finally accomplished the task of finding the most wonderful Au Pair to take the hand of our children on a daily basis. She is the most wonderful person, but she was not my mom. She was there on May 1, 2011 and was beyond helpful to our needs and worked many long hours that week for us which helped ease my mind of my other burdens at home. She took charge of learning Allison's disease and how to handle it at home and we were blessed to have such flexible care that week and the months that followed.

But on that day in May when I felt again like I was turned upside down and shaken so hard that on the inside I couldn't stand up I just wanted my mom. Some days I miss her more than words can say but I know that every single day since May 1 it has been her spirit inside me that helps me keep going, to keep prayer a focus in my life, to keep peace a central part of who I am. It is her spirit that holds our family high and keeps us focused on what is truly important in life - each other.

I dedicate this blog today to my wonderful mother Jessica who raised me to be strong for my kids and to push through adversity and not look back. I know that she is sitting next to my dad, holding his hand, looking over a beautiful lake in heaven smiling down on us. I know she is keeping a watchful eye over her precious Allison during her struggles. I can feel her every now and then reach down and give me a hug when I am at my weakest and take my hand and pull me up and sometimes I would swear I can hear her say to me "it will all work out in then end, just keep the faith."

Here is to keeping the faith and marching on and keeping an eye on what is really important in life - a lesson I hope to teach my kids from their Grandma Jessica.

Until there is a cure,

Jennifer