The most wonderful time of the year?..........

December 17, 2011

It has been a while since my last blog but thought I would tell what Allison taught me during the first big Holiday party experience at school.

Yesterday was the last day of school for my kids before the two week Holiday break – so of course it was filled with fun parties and events. My son had a great breakfast party with pancakes, eggs, bacon, donuts – you name it! I attended and was blessed with making the pancakes – it was fun – and Ryan ate 8 plates full of food! My daughters both had PJ day and other activities – my youngest Sammie – hot cocoa and watching a movie for her half day of Pre-K – she loved it – I got to spend an hour with her in her classroom before I headed to Allison’s party. I have to attend Allison’s party because I want her to be like all the other kids and get to enjoy the party and have the cupcakes and chips and candy – it was a bit mentally overwhelming for me – but during it all I didn’t realize how much it affected Allison.

We made gingerbread houses – tons of candy and icing and graham crackers spread out all over the tables. Everyone (including me) were popping little candies in our mouths, licking the icing off our fingers – everyone EXCEPT Allison. I had the nurse get me insulin and had a shot ready so she could have a cupcake, some chips, some carrots, a juice box and some candy – but she was afraid. I didn’t realize this while we were in the middle of building her house – she was having a great time and kept complaining about sticky fingers – she kept getting paper towels to wipe away the icing on her hands – everyone else was just licking it away. She was sitting there putting gum drops and marshmallows on her house never once putting any in her mouth. She finally finished and I saw her take a tiny lick of her finger with the icing and then she marched over the sink and washed her hands.

Then I said if she wanted the snacks she would need a shot - she didn’t want to do it – she wanted the food, the drinks and the candy but she didn’t want to have a shot. We hid over in a corner where no one could see us and for the first time in a very long time I saw something in her eyes – she was sad – she was sad she couldn’t just pop a piece of candy in her mouth, that she couldn’t lick her fingers, that she couldn’t just drink the juice box at her seat like the rest of her classmates (although I told her to go ahead and we would adjust for it.) I was able to get her to take the shot because she really wanted one of daddy’s cupcakes he made for the class – but not without her pained looked and sadness.

This season – our first big Holiday season – of candy and over indulgence is not going to be easy – no matter how much I want it be just like all the past it won’t be. Yesterday I realized that Allison sees and feels it differently now – no matter what I do to try minimize things – she knows what it feels like to be “high” and to be “low” and she doesn’t want to be those things so she refuses to lick her fingers or pop a little piece of candy like her friends – and that makes life “not fair” to her.

When I asked her about it on the car ride home she said she had the “Best time ever” – she loved making the gingerbread house – and hers was fabulous.  I think because she wasn’t eating her candy or licking her fingers (because she felt she couldn’t) she was able to really concentrate on the house itself. However after her answer her brother Ryan started spouting out all he ate and the 8 plates of food and she stared at me again with sadness – then she muttered – “of course he isn’t diabetic”.  She shrugged it off and moved on with the day and her stories to her dad in the evening were full of happiness and excitement for what she did – but I remember, I remember the sadness of that moment, the uncertainty as she looked at the tables of sweets and her sticky hands and the paper towels she used instead of licking away the tasty icing on her fingers.

I have been asking myself how could I have not created this pain and sadness in her eyes at that moment behind the filing cabinet? How do you balance the seriousness of this disease with the reality that she is a 7 year old kid and deserves to live life like one? I am know every parent of a child with Type 1 diabetes has asked themselves these questions. I know our family is not unique but I do not want to see those big blue eyes look at me like that again.  I know they will because this disease isn’t going away and there will be more parties at school where she will again feel different and feel things aren’t “fair.”

It is hard to be in this place during the most wonderful time of the year - my goal will be to continue to do what I can to mitigate Allison’s feelings of being different and make sure that the one thing she wants the most from Santa – candy in her stocking – is absolutely delivered, knowing that to eat that candy she will need a shot of insulin. I hope that we can continue our traditions with new twists and turns and find a way to make the wonderfulness of this time of year feel and be wonderful for everyone. I know we will continue on and go forth and learn from what we do wrong and what we do right this year – next year she will be on an insulin pump and I hope that makes it easier.

Until there is a cure,

Jennifer