Taking a breath and counting to 10 together.........................

January 20, 2012

This week living with diabetes in our family has been one that has tested my strength and ability to manage stress – and has also tested Allison a lot. She has been on a terrible roller coaster of a ride for a few days in a row – 580 to 60 and back again – it has not been the most fun time in our house.

After a couple of days of ups and downs I think it finally got to her – she had already started asking me to give her the shots she would normally do herself – in her belly and leg. I thought this weird but from the beginning of this disease in our life I always stressed to her that the minute she wanted someone else to do things for her I would be there – so I was. She came home from school one day because her number was so high and she just wasn’t feeling good – and then she stressed the rest of the day about a test she took and how she did on it (turns out even with high numbers she can perform well on a test.)

Last night after a day on the roller coaster of highs and lows she was back to a high and I asked her to test her keytones. No big deal to me – all she has to do is pee on a stick – not a big deal – right? As she sat next to me on the couch she broke down. She didn’t mind testing her blood sugar and she didn’t mind sticking a needle into her skin – but peeing on a stick, again – that was the last straw for her and she broke. Of course I told her that this was the “easy” part of diabetes – no blood, not sharp things – easy. I didn’t understand and I wanted to get frustrated and upset with her at that moment (because we were both feeling the stresses of the past few days.) But I said okay, let’s both take a moment and count to 10 to calm down.

So I started counting (and when I count I make a point to think of something with each number):

1. I do not have diabetes, she does
2. I don’t know what it feels like to have diabetes
3. I have no idea what being high makes you feel like
4. I don’t have diabetes, my little girl does
5. I cannot make this go away, just keep hugging her
6. Allison has never complained about getting a shot
7. Allison rarely complains about testing her blood sugar
8. I don’t have diabetes, she does
9. How can I make the tears go away
10. Just keep hugging her

As she finished her count and I finished mine – we were calmer and I realized, again, I don’t know what it is like to have this disease living inside my body. I don’t know what it is like to have a mother nagging you constantly about how you feel and to check your blood sugar. I don’t know what it is like to watch everyone else start eating while I wait on my carb count and shot (although at our house we have a rule that no one eats until Allison has insulin IN her body). I don’t know what it is like to have to have your mom come to school to look at a cupcake and give you a shot to celebrate a classmates birthday. I don’t know what it is like at all to feel “high” or to feel “low.”

As we sat on the couch I decided that she didn’t need to test her silly keytones, we would simply have a snack together and I would give her insulin for her high and carbs and if in an hour she was still high we would address the keytone issue. I know that you might think this is playing with fire but she felt fine, she had not had signs of keytones all day with all her highs and she just didn’t want to do it – so I didn’t make her. An hour and a half later she was in a good range for her blood sugar – so we were all good.

As hard as it is on me day in and day out to be the parent of a child with this disease - not getting to take a break (because diabetes doesn’t take a day off) – I need to remember that Allison is 7 years old and she deals with it every second of every day. I wish that I could worry enough for her and me both, that I could take away her stress of dealing with it and that she could just be a kid. I do this by always being worried and nagging her – but maybe I just need to be her crutch – so that on days like last night we can sit and cry on the couch together and hug each other until we get to the number 10 and the pain of the moment passes (which it always does.)

Until there is a cure,

Jennifer