December 29, 2011
I am sitting around today trying to be motivated as I look toward next year and all my resolutions I need to write down to make my life and the life of my family better. To accomplish this I have had to look back at the year behind me to see where I could do better. But this year is really hard to look back on – there were so many emotions involved with this year that it is hard to do without putting myself into a slump and to keep up the feeling and spirit of enthusiasm for a new year. It isn’t like I can put diabetes behind us – the diagnosis is behind us but the disease is with us, now and forever.
I can only think of two other times in my life when I felt the way I did in May of this year – and those were the two times I lost my parents – both unexpectedly. However as I compare the emotions of losing my parents and Allison being diagnosed they don’t really compare – my parents passing was permanent – as is diabetes in our lives – other than that the comparisons seem to stop. There were obviously things to deal with and emotions were all over the board for me when my parents went to heaven – but as most of us know death is a part of life that you have no choice but to accept – it will and does happen to everyone – no exceptions. Type 1 diabetes is a little pickier. For some unknown reason it chose our family – it came to us unexpectedly and without cause and unlike putting away my parent’s things so we do not have to re-live the pain of the losing them daily we have to live with diabetes daily for the rest of Allison’s life (which I pray every day is long and happy.)
I find after eight months my emotions are still all over the place a glimpse into a few:
· out of control - like when Allie’s numbers are jumping around like a super bouncy ball;
· saddened - when I hear my daughter cry about it and not knowing how to assure her it will be okay - my heart physically aches that I can’t make it better;
· scared - when she sleeps or is out of my sight – but knowing I have to learn to let go (like all parents) and let her learn to deal with it on her own;
· a warm sense of community - that I have a group of people to go to in my time of questions and need – a support group of fellow parents like me;
· security – this disease has made our family stronger and made me realize I selected the right person to share my life with – we have learned that life can throw us hard things at us and we manage as a great team;
· depressed - when I think of a future of finger pricks, needles and constant tests for my daughter and all the things she has yet to experience (the good and the bad); and
· HOPE - when I see the changes that have occurred in the past 10 years for diabetes management and the progress that continues for better management now.
You take all these separate emotions and mix them up – some days I actually feel them all – some days it is just one or the other that creeps into my life – and unlike the sadness I felt losing my parents I am not sure when any of these emotions will ever depart. This is permanent – it isn’t going away – it will forever be staring us in the face every day and forever changing our lives.
I am not sure what to do for my new year’s resolutions:
- I could say the things that better me personally – lose weight, take more time for myself, spend more time with my spouse without the kids;
- Or I could do things for the whole family such as keep the house cleaner, cook more at home;
- Or I could do things for my mental state and try to keep in touch with my DC friends (that I have lost touch with since I changed my career path for this disease), build on the new friendships I have gained over the past year;
- Or I could be unrealistic and say find a cure my daughter and fix her disease.
So do I limit myself, do I tone down all these resolutions and pick my top one or two? Maybe I should be more realistic and realize I am one person with a wonderful family and one of those people happens to have type 1 diabetes and that makes our lives unexpected sometimes. I look towards January and the changes we will be making again with Allison’s diabetes management and getting her on an insulin pump and there are even more options for me and how to deal with all those changes. I think I will try to be realistic this year – so here are my resolutions for 2012:
- · I will keep up the good fight.
- · I will not stress in keeping my family happy but together and strong.
- · I will clean the house but will take a few afternoons for myself (maybe work out, maybe take a nap).
- · I learn to cook a few new dishes for my family to try but not stress about it going wrong.
- · I will make new and old friends matter in my life and keep up with them, even if it is only on Facebook at times.
- · I will enjoy the wonderful spouse I blessed to have as much as I possibly can and will find a few people or babysitters we can teach about Allison’s disease so we can get out more with each other and our friends.
- · I will keep our family talking about and teaching those around us about this disease and asking them to help by funding research for a cure of Type 1 diabetes.
- · And, I will accept the emotions of this new world we live in and make 2012 a year of getting to know myself and diabetes that much more and accept that diabetes will be a part of our lives but it will NOT run our lives!
I hope all of you are able to find the balance in your life that we all need – whether you have kids or no kids, a child with diabetes or another medical problem or not, balance of life is important – so I wish for all my friends that they find the needed balance to make their life feel fulfilled and happy every day in 2012 – and if I can be there to help along the way I hope you will invite me!
As Sammie is known to say a lot lately – “RAISE YOUR GLASS” AND HAVE A HAPPY, HEALTHY WONDERFUL 2012!!!
Until there is a cure,
Jennifer
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