Let's raise our glass and figure out to do better in 2012 and have a Happy New Year........

December 29, 2011

I am sitting around today trying to be motivated as I look toward next year and all my resolutions I need to write down to make my life and the life of my family better. To accomplish this I have had to look back at the year behind me to see where I could do better. But this year is really hard to look back on – there were so many emotions involved with this year that it is hard to do without putting myself into a slump and to keep up the feeling and spirit of enthusiasm for a new year. It isn’t like I can put diabetes behind us – the diagnosis is behind us but the disease is with us, now and forever.

I can only think of two other times in my life when I felt the way I did in May of this year – and those were the two times I lost my parents – both unexpectedly.  However as I compare the emotions of losing my parents and Allison being diagnosed they don’t really compare – my parents passing was permanent – as is diabetes in our lives – other than that the comparisons seem to stop. There were obviously things to deal with and emotions were all over the board for me when my parents went to heaven – but as most of us know death is a part of life that you have no choice but to accept – it will and does happen to everyone – no exceptions. Type 1 diabetes is a little pickier. For some unknown reason it chose our family – it came to us unexpectedly and without cause and unlike putting away my parent’s things so we do not have to re-live the pain of the losing them daily we have to live with diabetes daily for the rest of Allison’s life (which I pray every day is long and happy.)

I find after eight months my emotions are still all over the place a glimpse into a few:

·         out of control - like when Allie’s numbers are jumping around like a super bouncy ball;

·         saddened - when I hear my daughter cry about it and not knowing how to assure her it will be okay - my heart physically aches that I can’t make it better;

·         scared - when she sleeps or is out of my sight – but knowing I have to learn to let go (like all parents) and let her learn to deal with it on her own;

·         a warm sense of community - that I have a group of people to go to in my time of questions and need – a support group of fellow parents like me;

·         security – this disease has made our family stronger and made me realize I selected the right person to share my life with – we have learned that life can throw us hard things at us and we manage as a great team;

·         depressed - when I think of a future of finger pricks, needles and constant tests for my daughter and all the things she has yet to experience (the good and the bad); and

·         HOPE - when I see the changes that have occurred in the past 10 years for diabetes management and the progress that continues for better management now.

You take all these separate emotions and mix them up – some days I actually feel them all – some days it is just one or the other that creeps into my life – and unlike the sadness I felt losing my parents I am not sure when any of these emotions will ever depart. This is permanent – it isn’t going away – it will forever be staring us in the face every day and forever changing our lives.

I am not sure what to do for my new year’s resolutions:

• I could say the things that better me personally – lose weight, take more time for myself, spend more time with my spouse without the kids;
• Or I could do things for the whole family such as keep the house cleaner, cook more at home;
• Or I could do things for my mental state and try to keep in touch with my DC friends (that I have lost touch with since I changed my career path for this disease), build on the new friendships I have gained over the past year;
• Or I could be unrealistic and say find a cure my daughter and fix her disease.

So do I limit myself, do I tone down all these resolutions and pick my top one or two? Maybe I should be more realistic and realize I am one person with a wonderful family and one of those people happens to have type 1 diabetes and that makes our lives unexpected sometimes. I look towards January and the changes we will be making again with Allison’s diabetes management and getting her on an insulin pump and there are even more options for me and how to deal with all those changes.  I think I will try to be realistic this year – so here are my resolutions for 2012:

• ·         I will keep up the good fight.
• ·         I will not stress in keeping my family happy but together and strong.
• ·         I will clean the house but will take a few afternoons for myself (maybe work out, maybe take a nap).
• ·         I learn to cook a few new dishes for my family to try but not stress about it going wrong.
• ·         I will make new and old friends matter in my life and keep up with them, even if it is only on Facebook at times.  
• ·         I will enjoy the wonderful spouse I blessed to have as much as I possibly can and will find a few people or babysitters we can teach about Allison’s disease so we can get out more with each other and our friends.
• ·         I will keep our family talking about and teaching those around us about this disease and asking them to help by funding research for a cure of Type 1 diabetes.
• ·         And, I will accept the emotions of this new world we live in and make 2012 a year of getting to know myself and diabetes that much more and accept that diabetes will be a part of our lives but it will NOT run our lives!

I hope all of you are able to find the balance in your life that we all need – whether you have kids or no kids, a child with diabetes or another medical problem or not, balance of life is important – so I wish for all my friends that they find the needed balance to make their life feel fulfilled and happy every day in 2012 – and if I can be there to help along the way I hope you will invite me!

As Sammie is known to say a lot lately – “RAISE YOUR GLASS” AND HAVE A HAPPY, HEALTHY WONDERFUL 2012!!!

Until there is a cure,

Jennifer

The most wonderful time of the year?..........

December 17, 2011

It has been a while since my last blog but thought I would tell what Allison taught me during the first big Holiday party experience at school.

Yesterday was the last day of school for my kids before the two week Holiday break – so of course it was filled with fun parties and events. My son had a great breakfast party with pancakes, eggs, bacon, donuts – you name it! I attended and was blessed with making the pancakes – it was fun – and Ryan ate 8 plates full of food! My daughters both had PJ day and other activities – my youngest Sammie – hot cocoa and watching a movie for her half day of Pre-K – she loved it – I got to spend an hour with her in her classroom before I headed to Allison’s party. I have to attend Allison’s party because I want her to be like all the other kids and get to enjoy the party and have the cupcakes and chips and candy – it was a bit mentally overwhelming for me – but during it all I didn’t realize how much it affected Allison.

We made gingerbread houses – tons of candy and icing and graham crackers spread out all over the tables. Everyone (including me) were popping little candies in our mouths, licking the icing off our fingers – everyone EXCEPT Allison. I had the nurse get me insulin and had a shot ready so she could have a cupcake, some chips, some carrots, a juice box and some candy – but she was afraid. I didn’t realize this while we were in the middle of building her house – she was having a great time and kept complaining about sticky fingers – she kept getting paper towels to wipe away the icing on her hands – everyone else was just licking it away. She was sitting there putting gum drops and marshmallows on her house never once putting any in her mouth. She finally finished and I saw her take a tiny lick of her finger with the icing and then she marched over the sink and washed her hands.

Then I said if she wanted the snacks she would need a shot - she didn’t want to do it – she wanted the food, the drinks and the candy but she didn’t want to have a shot. We hid over in a corner where no one could see us and for the first time in a very long time I saw something in her eyes – she was sad – she was sad she couldn’t just pop a piece of candy in her mouth, that she couldn’t lick her fingers, that she couldn’t just drink the juice box at her seat like the rest of her classmates (although I told her to go ahead and we would adjust for it.) I was able to get her to take the shot because she really wanted one of daddy’s cupcakes he made for the class – but not without her pained looked and sadness.

This season – our first big Holiday season – of candy and over indulgence is not going to be easy – no matter how much I want it be just like all the past it won’t be. Yesterday I realized that Allison sees and feels it differently now – no matter what I do to try minimize things – she knows what it feels like to be “high” and to be “low” and she doesn’t want to be those things so she refuses to lick her fingers or pop a little piece of candy like her friends – and that makes life “not fair” to her.

When I asked her about it on the car ride home she said she had the “Best time ever” – she loved making the gingerbread house – and hers was fabulous.  I think because she wasn’t eating her candy or licking her fingers (because she felt she couldn’t) she was able to really concentrate on the house itself. However after her answer her brother Ryan started spouting out all he ate and the 8 plates of food and she stared at me again with sadness – then she muttered – “of course he isn’t diabetic”.  She shrugged it off and moved on with the day and her stories to her dad in the evening were full of happiness and excitement for what she did – but I remember, I remember the sadness of that moment, the uncertainty as she looked at the tables of sweets and her sticky hands and the paper towels she used instead of licking away the tasty icing on her fingers.

I have been asking myself how could I have not created this pain and sadness in her eyes at that moment behind the filing cabinet? How do you balance the seriousness of this disease with the reality that she is a 7 year old kid and deserves to live life like one? I am know every parent of a child with Type 1 diabetes has asked themselves these questions. I know our family is not unique but I do not want to see those big blue eyes look at me like that again.  I know they will because this disease isn’t going away and there will be more parties at school where she will again feel different and feel things aren’t “fair.”

It is hard to be in this place during the most wonderful time of the year - my goal will be to continue to do what I can to mitigate Allison’s feelings of being different and make sure that the one thing she wants the most from Santa – candy in her stocking – is absolutely delivered, knowing that to eat that candy she will need a shot of insulin. I hope that we can continue our traditions with new twists and turns and find a way to make the wonderfulness of this time of year feel and be wonderful for everyone. I know we will continue on and go forth and learn from what we do wrong and what we do right this year – next year she will be on an insulin pump and I hope that makes it easier.

Until there is a cure,

Jennifer