"I got this Mom".......

This morning I am up getting ready to embark on a ride. A 10 mile bike ride. It isn’t the longest ride I could do, some people are doing 55 or 100 miles. I am doing 10 miles because my daughter Allison will be right by my side on this journey.

This isn’t just a bike ride to us. This isn’t just another fundraiser to us. This is our life now. This is our purpose – OUR families journey in life. To keep going , to keep moving, to prove to diabetes that it doesn’t have us – we have it. This is our opportunity to show the world and stand up and say – we have this disease, we hate this disease and we want it to go AWAY!

This day has been long in coming – way back in September of last year we were asked to be a part of this ride, Allison was asked to be the Youth Ambassador. She was so excited – unknowing of what that meant she jumped at the chance. Since then we have had the privilege of sharing our story and our lives with many people and it has made my daughter a much stronger and more independent person (and she was already pretty independent to begin with!)

Last night she gave a speech to the VIP Party for the ride – she wrote the speech and prepared herself – with no help from us. As we were preparing for the time for the speakers to begin she asked to re-read her speech and she made a slight edit (decided she didn’t like a couple of words.) Then I asked her who she wanted to go up with her when she gave the speech – she looked at me and said “No one – I got this mom.”

“I got this Mom.” Yes she does. She has it – she has strength, courage, spirit and the heart the size of the world – she AMAZED me last night. My 7 year old beautiful daughter is able to do what most adults could not do – she laid out her life to strangers and friends and family – loudly and proudly. She didn’t hesitate, she didn’t stutter, she just spoke HER words to world.

Our journey as a family may have begun a year ago – but last night I saw my daughter’s personal journey with her new life begin – she grew last night as she stood up there and utter the words – “I do not like anything about diabetes” –“ but it has not stopped me from ballet, basketball, soccer, baseball or just being a kid.” She meant it – she still moves on, she still moves forward, she makes a statement every day she doesn’t give in to this disease that infest her body.

She began her independent journey last night – she let go of my hand and went forward – my hand will always be there for her (and she knows that) but I have NEVER been more proud of anything or anyone in my entire life – “I got this Mom” hard words to hear but at the same time every parents dream for their kid to be that amazing!

She ended her speech with “Now let’s RIDE” – so in the words of Allison I shall stop writing and put my hair back, my helmet on and RIDE right along with her – hand outstretched when she needs it – knowing the whole time that she has got this!

Until there is a cure,

Jennifer Holdgreve

Belated Happy Mother's Day?........

Today was that one day every three months I run around the night before, sleep unsoundly with bad dreams and dread. It was our Endo appointment! I am not sure why this day gets me so crazy – OH WAIT I DO KNOW – because it is my daughter’s health and I never know what they will “focus” on this time – numbers, carbs, foods, etc, etc, etc:

·         It could be her numbers are too high or too low and I didn’t adjust like I should have; or

·         You let her eat WHAT? for breakfast – no wonder she was high at 10am; or

·         Her A1C is higher; or

·         She goes in with a high number when they test her; or

·         She goes in with a low number when they test her; or

·         Are there NO vegetables you can get her to eat; or

·         She has gained too much weight; or

·         She has lost too much weight; or

·         All or some of these things combined.

There are so many reasons I feel like a complete failure after leaving these appointments. Today was not really any different. The focus today – breakfast and her “highs” – yes she likes pop tarts. We have a “new” way to eat them now and some new adjustments in her pump – hopefully this will help.  There was also her activity level – not that it isn’t enough – but maybe she is doing TOO much? Really TOO much – why I am feeling guilty that my daughter doesn’t sit in front of a television she plays outside, does ballet and tons of sports all the time. And yes right now she is training for a 10 mile bike ride – and she is experiencing lows about 30 minutes after her crazy exercise.  That is normal (is what I thought). We now know how to adjust her basal rates – apparently I should have been doing that all along – oops! Then they proceed to talk to me for a long while about how to deal with the 10 mile bike ride on Saturday – I thought I had thought of everything  there too – oops!

I will stop for a minute and state I love our Endo, our Certified Diabetic Educator (CDE) and our Dietician, they are great people and always there for me on the other end of my crazy phone calls and emails.  But for some reason at these appointments sitting face to face with them I feel like I am taking some cosmic test about my daughter’s well being and I tend to leave feeling like a complete failure every time.

I KNOW I am not – I am NOT looking for all you out there in my blog world to tell me I am a great mother and doing it all right (so please don’t!) My daughter is happy, healthy, growing well, her blood work is wonderful, she is active and fun to be around – I must be doing something right! I think I feel this way because of the “long term” issues I read so much about with diabetes – I worry that if I let these things go and have too many “oops” that she will have issues and problems and it will be my fault – isn’t it always the mother’s fault?!?

I suppose I should take away that I learned some things today: 1) that not yelling about our appointment being cancelled even though it was confirmed just yesterday and you drove an hour and a half to get there is the best tactic (apparently there was a “mix up” with the scheduler) – you really do catch more flies with honey, and 2) that I, like all the other mother’s I know, am not perfect - BUT I want what is best for my child. I will have some “oops” here and there but the well-being of my children will always be at the forefront of my mind – I won’t “helicopter” them but make sure they stay  - happy, healthy, active and fun to be around (FYI – Allison with a high blood sugar is NO picnic to be around!)

I know mother’s day was two days ago – but I dedicate this blog to all the MOM’s in my world – friends and family – that are just like me – just trying to make the best of what we are given!

Happy Mother’s Day! (Belated!)

Until there is a cure,

Jennifer Holdgreve

Life just keeps getting in the way.......

Life just keeps getting in the way!

This week has been hard as a type 1 parent, harder than usual for me.  Usually my husband and I “tag team” it for everything  – but he has been travelling all week and now I am exhausted. I know I am usually exhausted from life with this disease but this week is more so than usual. My daughter’s blood sugars just aren’t right this week – she is fine and acting fine – so I have to tell myself they must not be that bad – but it also isn’t good and to top it off life this week has been getting in the way of my focus on her numbers! I have three active and engaged kids – not unusual to be running around like a chicken with my head cut off - but highs and lows, little sleep, and missing my partner in this craziness has been hard. Of course I have done it – with grace and ease (ha, ha – just like thinking it looks that way from the outside looking in!!)

The one solace I have this week is that I know I am not alone, and I am not the only parent that has realized that life just keeps getting in the way of managing this disease this week (not that I want others to have to deal with it – but they don’t have a choice either!)

This week I was in touch with a newly diagnosed family. We only chat via email at the moment, but it brings me comfort that they reached out to me and that what they are experiencing is what I feel all the time. Neither of us are alone in our craziness! They are having a real “life keeps getting in the way” issue in that a close friend of theirs is dealing with a very scary health issue and they need to be there for them and also deal with a new reality for their family. I cannot imagine the emotional rollercoaster they are dealing with right now – life just keeps getting in their way in dealing with their diabetes.

Another family I know had a heart stopping moment in the middle of the night this week. All type 1 parents have probably had this moment at least once. That sinking feeling that wakes you from a deep sleep and makes you jump out of bed to rush in (quietly) into your child’s bedroom and you quickly place your hand on their chest to make sure they are still breathing and then you test their blood sugar to understand why you were startled awake. Of course all was fine but you never know. It didn’t matter the mother in this family is also a type 1 diabetic and stress like that can’t be good for her blood sugar or that they have a life and need sleep – life just keeps getting in their way in dealing with their diabetes.

I  was on the phone with a new friend that lives in Colorado that also has a child with type 1 – we met in an online chat room recently! They were trying to work out schedules for spring soccer for their NON-type 1 diabetic child and the necessary childcare for their type 1 child – and it has been really hard for them. Finding that person they can trust, that they feel can be just like them and watch and manage their 7 year old (diagnosed about a year ago) while moving around with their other kids activities. Life just keeps getting in their way in dealing with their diabetes.

I email with a family in the UK – and this week they have been dealing with this disease the EXACT same as us – even across the Atlantic – but their teenage daughter is getting embarrassed by the disease now. She was diagnosed at age 8 and is now 14. She was once okay with showing her disease to the world but now she is a teenage girl that cares about wardrobe, her hair, her makeup, her appearance. Apparently an insulin pump doesn’t really go along with that so well! She is growing up but this disease is not adjusting for her needs – life just keeps getting in their way in dealing with their diabetes.

This week we have had a lot to do from ballet (for two kids on different nights), a school musical performance, scout meetings, school activities, medical appointments, clothing issues, friend issues, fittings for costumes for upcoming recitals, volunteer commitments – and then the regular items for each day that we always do – like meals and baths. Of course at the same time my daughter’s blood sugars have been all over the place this week. High’s and low’s everywhere – this morning when she had a 134 I was so excited I actually jumped up and down – the sleepless night of adjustments worked for her morning number. Of course when she was getting on the bus she was 247 (ugh!)  Life has just been getting in my way this week in dealing with my daughter’s diabetes.

Maybe it is best that life keeps getting in our way – it keeps it “real” for us – we have all the same stresses that parents that don’t live with type 1 on a daily basis have in their lives. We have friends that need us, we have multiple kids with activities, we work, we volunteer, we pray, we do the daily dance of life just like all the other parents we know. But, we are not quite exactly like everyone else, even if life keeps getting in our way we still have to deal with this disease. Maybe one day, when that cure is found, we parents of type 1 kids (and our kids) can just let life into our lives without the added burden of this disease!

This morning I will raise my third cup of coffee to the HOPE for a cure – now on with life –  it just keeps getting in the way……

Until there is a cure,

Jennifer Holdgreve