The past week we have added a new device to our lives – the insulin pump. What has this done for our family? In the immediate it has made life more stressful – but we know in the long term it will make our lives much easier. We are excited, nervous and learning all kinds of new things with it – after the first couple of months we will be more relaxed and settled in to a better routine again and ready to conquer the world. My blog though is not about the wonders of the pump – I am going to save that for another time – I am writing today about the issue that has taken over my emotions for the past two weeks - mommy guilt. We have had this wonderful new piece of equipment come into our lives and with that all our concentration has been on it and the person wearing it – but I have two other kids – I don’t forget they are there but they sure have taken a back seat to things this week.
For the past week and half I have been so engrossed – pretty much 24/7 with Allison. My mind constantly on her and her issues – last Friday when we had to visit the hospital it became even more evident that my life seemed to center around this one child. Mommy guilt kicked in hard! As I sat in the ER waiting room explaining to my 8 year old son that the ONE thing he has been waiting for months and months to do with his dad was probably going to have to wait I almost broke down in tears. He just sat and stared at me with big eyes and said he understood in the saddest but strongest voice he had. He and his dad had tickets to opening night of the 3D Star Wars Episode I and he had been so excited all week for it! I couldn’t take the mental anguish of him missing the movie so I went ahead and told Chris to go – take Ryan and go to the movies and have a good time. I would keep Sammie with me and we would hang out with Allie in the ER until they let us go home (or stay whatever they decided.) So they went – but on the inside I was wreck I really wanted Chris to stay and hold my hand and I really didn’t want Sammie or Ryan to have to wait at ER with their sister – how horrible of me to feel this way!
All this week I have been in Allison’s class at school watching her every move and taking notes on how her body is reacting to having insulin constantly put into her body – I have stressed about the highs and the lows and how to deal with them. When we get home it is the same thing – what is Allison’s schedule, we should eat what does Allison want, how do we handle sleeping and showers, we need to maintain what Allison is doing – rarely do the other two kids pop into my head.
This morning it really hit me – I miss my other kids terribly! I baked cookies for Ryan’s Valentine party at school but missed it because I had to be with Allison. I missed Sammie’s party and forgot her lending library book in her bag today because I was so focused on what I needed to get to school for Allison.
As I dropped Sammie off at the neighbors house (the wonderful people helping us this week while I focus on Allison) I gave her a hug and realized that I had not even gotten a chance to see her at school in the afternoon when she arrived on the bus. I promised her that today I would meet her bus when it arrived after lunch. What did I do – I almost forgot - I came running outside just as her class was about to come inside – she gave me a sad look and then a smile as I hugged her and told her to have a good day – and then she didn’t want to let go of my hand. I almost broke down in tears as I led her to the hallway and I waved goodbye.
I have been picking Ryan up from school every day late because I am at Allison’s school dealing with things and not focusing on the fact he is sitting there waiting on me. He has not complained once because he is an awesome young man – but today as we walked to the car I asked about his day and he shrugged me off for the first time ever. I felt so sad he did not want to talk to me - he doesn’t feel special at this moment to his mommy. I reminded him that it was Dunkin Donut’s Thursday so he perked up and was even more excited that we actually were going to eat them at the DD not at home (he got to choose his donut this time!) At least I had a card to pull out of my pocket to get him on my side for a moment!
I realize as a parent of a child with special issues (or needs) that sometimes our focus has to be on that child’s well being for the sake of their survival - but how do you balance this with two other kids looking to you for guidance and attention? How do I as a parent take away the focus of the child that medically needs attention at a time when their health and wellbeing is being altered in such a way that everything they do affects them? I have no idea how to answer these questions! I suspect I am not the only parent that has felt this way at one or more times in their lives!
I wish I had a magic wand that could add time to my day or pause one part of my life so I could focus on another and make sure that all three of my kids were happy, healthy and enjoying life. I know Ryan and Sammie are happy, healthy and pretty much enjoy their lives but I also know they feel that sometimes they are put to the back of the line because of Allison’s diabetes. I am going to try to tone down the mommy guilt and try to remember to take the time to have those special moments with them in life that they like everyone needs from their mommy!
Mommy guilt is the hardest thing to get through and it really tugs at your heart sometimes and this week has been one of my hardest to get through!
Until there is a cure,
Jennifer Holdgreve
